by Jeannine Parvati Baker, reprinted with permission from Hygiea College, Box 398-JT, Monroe, UT 84754

Jeannine Parvati Baker was a perinatal psychologist, post-shamanic midwife, and an intuitive astrologer with specialties in dreams, sexuality, fertility, conscious conception, freebirth, lotus birth, lactation, family bed, homeschool, natural home healthcare/herbalism, co-custody, ceremonies, and celebrations. She died in 2005 but her work lives on the BirthKeeper.org site.

In 1996, Jeannine sent me this article in response to querying her about her thinking on the subject of men’s leaving when kids were born. Her words were part of what inspired my article “Why Men Leave” (Appendix A) first published in in a rougher form in our Winter 1997 Wellness Associates Journal. —Jack

Nursing mothers are notorious for their disinclination toward sex—and no wonder when, for most women, giving birth is not the ecstatic culmination of nine months of foreplay. For most women childbirth is a painful ordeal—so why repeat it again so soon by inviting another conception through sex? I believe the desire for sex after giving birth is mitigated by how the baby was born, but there is more to the mystery. Even in the non-traumatized population of mothers having babies at home, most nursing mothers feel burdened to some degree since their mates’ sexual desire is usually more frequent. This has been explained hormonally—that a lactating woman has a baby and does not desire sex because her lap is already full with the biological imperative actualized. The message (hormone means “messenger” in Greek) is, “why have sex now when the consequence of intercourse is already here?”

However, there is a population of mothers who do desire sex after birth and almost as frequently as their mates—they are the freebirth community. A freebirth is when a couple gives birth as an expression of their sexual love rather than a medically surveilled event with the paid paranoid in attendance, either doctor or midwife. A couple who claims the full responsibility of their sexual love by birthing their baby in privacy becomes more responsible, that is better able to respond to the child’s life thereafter. They have not given their power away to the institution to rescue them from the natural consequence of heterosexuality. Yet even in this group, some of the nursing mothers feel confused about their husband’s desire for erotic communication. They are in love with their mates, but some of the mothers are just not up to the frequency of sex their mates’ desire.

I think this has something to do with a relatively new event for humans—generations of bottle-fed men are becoming fathers. When they see their wives nursing, these men are unconsciously stimulated into an erotic response based on unmet infantile needs. The mother senses this and becomes confused—her breasts are sexual yet when lactating, the sexuality experienced is of another dimension than the sexuality with her husband. A man who was not nursed generally focuses on his lover’s breasts as erogenous, whereas a man who was nursed fully is attracted primarily to his lover’s genitalia, buttocks, and hips-to-waist differential. As the man becomes a father, his unfinished sexual business is evoked as he begins again the primal journey. Reliving his own gestation, birth, and (lack of) lactation through his lover, the mother of his child, some men become obsessed with the breast full of milk as the most erotic part of his lover’s body. The minority of men who had their full measure of mother’s milk when it was needed, in infancy and into the toddler years, relate to the mother of their child as their lover, not primarily as their own phantom mother. A bottlefed man did not learn the give and take of sexuality-at-breast as relationship, but instead imprinted upon an object rather than a woman as source of nourishment. He was primally disappointed and lost a basic trust in the feminine, which colors his view of all women, particularly this woman, when he becomes a father himself (the mother of his child)….

My thesis is that mature sexuality has integrated primal wounds, for without bringing the imprints of sexuality into awareness and consciously choosing which patterns to interrupt, there are a host of consequences to endure. The prevailing issue leading to divorce is sexual disharmony (and the sequela, adultery). This often is brought about after a baby is conceived and/or birthed.

The men’s movement has been instrumental in bringing out men’s stories as they become fathers. Over and again is heard the tale of sexual rejection—men feeling shut out of the loving twosome of the mother and baby bond. I posit this is largely the response to an earlier rejection—by their own mothers, which, from a baby’s point-of-view, is primal sexual rejection. This is displaced upon the wife who then is manipulated into rejecting her husband’s sexual advances. She is manipulated by the way her husband comes onto her sexually—with confused signals. Here he is, the father of her baby, acting more like a baby than her lover and wanting her to fill a need that optimally should have been met a generation ago by his own mother.

What I hope to evoke with this article is compassion based on a new understanding of how primal psychology colors sexuality. For a long time mothers have felt guilty for not arising erotically to their husband’s desires after the children come…. A woman can come to understand that if her mate wasn’t breastfed by a sexually mature woman, he, himself, may be as responsible for her disinclination toward having sex now as she is.

The way I see it, we are in this procreation journey together. There are as many mysteries of the masculine to discover as there are mysteries of the feminine. Monogamy is the crucible for this enlightening mix of genders. With trust and honest communication we can become partners-in-love as parents. Within the healing journey may be excursions to the past, the primal unmet needs of either or both of the parents. These museum tours of pain are important to explore for the evolution of the possible family, for it is a rare child who is cared for in a whole way and allowed to nurse for several years based on her needs…. If both partners show compassion, we can come together free of the old patterns of sexuality that inhibit our mature, human sexuality and fullness of joy.

What Meryn Callander and John Travis call DDD, the dynamic of disappearing dads, is no exercise in empty syndrome-mongering.

We are faced with the distressing fact that an increasing number of children are being diagnosed with an array of developmental disorders, from attention deficit disorder to oppositional defiant disorder, from autism spectrum disorder to anxiety and depression. According to recent statistics, nearly fifty per cent of American adolescents meet the diagnostic criteria for one or another mental health problem. The burgeoning numbers of troubled children, rising at almost exponential rates, cannot be explained by the narrowly biological perspective that still dominates medical thinking: that such conditions are genetically determined and reflect unfortunate aberrations of brain physiology.

Callander grounds her analysis in a biopsychosocial view, according to which the biology—and most especially the neurobiology—of human beings is inseparable from the social and emotional environment in which they are conceived, develop and live. This inextricable link between the bio-psychological functions of people is a lifelong process: malleable, thankfully, but deeply affected by early experience. The studies showing this lifelong interactive process, and especially the crucial influence of the early years, are hardly even controversial, albeit largely unknown to most mainstream health care professionals, such as physicians and psychologists.

The great child psychiatrist, D.W. Winnicott, once pointed out that two things can go wrong in childhood that may adversely affect development: When things happen that shouldn’t happen (e.g., trauma), and when things do not happen that should happen. This latter refers not to overt trauma, but to the stresses and distractions that keep many parents these days from offering their children the attuned, emotionally present interactions that optimal brain- and personality development require. Many children are being negatively affected in this way, even if not formally traumatized.

In short, attachment—the bond between child and parent—is the crucial dynamic in human development. Most attachment work has focused on the mother-infant interaction, and properly so. In the first few months at least, that relationship provides the child with the world—and, in the final analysis—with the worldview that will shape his or her experience of life. But Callander rightly balances that by bringing the oft-forgotten figure of the father back into the picture.

Studies now point to the presence of the nurturing male parent as also important to healthy development—witness, for example, the fact that girls with absentee fathers tend to menstruate earlier, not to mention that they are also more likely to engage in precocious sexual behavior. In a society that tends to lay the duties of emotional nourishing almost exclusively onto the shoulders of women, we need hardly mention the crucial modeling that a nurturing father provides for male offspring. Dorothy Dinnerstein’s book The Mermaid And The Minotaur argues persuasively that the absence of male nurturing, the making of nurturing an exclusively female domain, has a distorting effect on the development of both boys and girls.

Apart from the direct influence of the emotionally nurturing father on the infant, there is his essential role as the supporter of the mother, not just physically but—equally important—psychologically. Here, too, the studies are clear: women lacking such support are more likely to develop postpartum depression which, in turn, is a significant risk factor for developmental maladjustments such as ADHD. In all cases of postpartum depression I have seen as a physician, the woman lacked adequate emotional support, and this was often owing to the emotional withdrawal of the father because his own unconscious needs were being threatened by the presence of the infant.

Callander does not approach the issue of the disappearing dad as a moral crusade.  She is no judge but a compassionate investigator. Post-industrial society has torn asunder relationship ties, has almost completely destroyed the historical attachment village—it really does take a village to raise a child—such a society exerts intolerable stresses on many couples and individuals. Without the multigenerational supportive context that previous eras took for granted, many men find themselves overburdened by the parenting task, especially if they themselves were denied the presence of an emotionally available father during their formative years.

As the author points out, many men, “even if they remain in the home… are often emotionally absent—through depression, workaholism, violence/aggression, physical or emotional abuse or a retreat into addiction to substances, media, consumer goods, sports, food, or sex.” This is the dynamic Alan Schore has called “proximal abandonment”—when the parents is physically present, but emotionally missing.

Beyond analysis—a science-based and balanced analysis, Why Dads Leave is also a call for action. It is no longer enough for health care providers, educators, social workers and policy makers to respond to the lamentable consequences of the dynamic of the disappearing dad. At all levels of social influence problem must be recognized and creative and humane solutions and preventive strategies must be created. Men do not need condemnation; they need help so that their children can be helped. Why Dads Leave will be a powerful support to anyone moved to take up that challenge. What the authors call the “hidden epidemic” of fathers leaving their families needs to be stopped.

Gabor Maté, MD

Co-author of Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

Vancouver, British Columbia

“I have no doubt this book is a seminal work in the 21st century, helping shift our focus to assuring that the critical period of parent-child attachment is safeguarded for our highest human potential.” —Meg Jordan, PhD, RN, Chair, Integrative Health Studies Program, California Institute of Integral Studies

“Easy to read and guides us gently into insights and ‘Aha’ moments that can make a real difference in our lives and our relationships.” —Sue Johnson, PhD, author of Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

“For years, I was one of those ‘men who leave.’ How unfortunate that such a wisely conceived, exhaustively researched, and beautifully written book was not in my hands then. A profound, provocative, and passionate work. Bravo!” —Emmett Miller, MD, author of Deep Healing: The Essence of Mind-Body Medicine

“The generations-long effects of Western parenting have been devastating to the health and wellbeing of all us, beginning from conception and birthing through infancy and childhood. Such dysfunction is evident in the basic ways we feel about ourselves, our partnership relationships as well as our relation­ships with our children, our friends, our world community: we lack the profound, joyful feelings of connection which include deep love, respect, caring and empathy.

Through conditioning and self-preservation we have replaced our needs for connection with the very distant second best substitutes known as independence and self-sustainability. We are human animals and by nature meant to connect via love. Love in all but the most superficial ways have been conditioned out of us as an “educated” race.

Callander’s monumental effort in this book dissects not only the causes of our widespread cultural disconnection with self and others, but offers a magnificent myriad of tools for rediscovery, repair and long-term healing.

I would love to see this book on every bookshelf, every nightstand, in every teen and adult’s hand. There is real promise for a loving future here.” —Barb Lundgren, editor, Rethinking Everything Magazine

“Provocative and personal, Why Dads Leave is a major contribution to healing the family soul, individually and collectively.” —Sarah J. Buckley, MD, author of Gentle Birthing, Gentle Mothering

“I’m in awe at what you’ve accomplished and so grateful, because it pulls together numerous fields and diverse wisdom with a focus toward what makes humans and human societies thrive rather than be in a constant state of fear and defense, surviving, and coping.” —Suzanne Arms, author of Immaculate Deception: Myth, Magic and Birth

“Powerful, exquisite—hot, scary and exciting, this book revealed truths that I did not want to hear (I do believe I actually avoided it) yet I found myself drawn to as an oasis of the fresh possibility of love.

We are guided via Jack and Meryn’s own journey and research into old, inner wounds; and then, in a flash, offered a ‘how-to’ path for not only addressing our own unmet needs but also nurturing truly healthy kids and community. This book is a bomb of balm waiting to explode all around the ‘civilized’ world. It is seminal work that must be read by every aspiring parent and those who love them.” —Bill Kauth, co-founder, ManKind Project, author of We Need Each Other

“If the new dad can see mothering from her perspective and vice versa they can better parent together, which is, of course, what baby wants, preventing a lot of breakdowns, suicide, child trauma and private and public expense (therapists, courts, hospitals, police).” —Paul Mason, LLB, BA(Hons), Australian family lawyer and former Commissioner for Children, State of Tasmania

“Being a parent is a profound growth experience. You will be challenged to confront your personal deficits and your life’s unfinished business. This book gives parents and parents-to-be the tools they need to navigate the terrain of their own emotions–and to heal. It shows you how to support one another on this path instead of getting stuck in power struggles. I recommend it highly.” —Susan Campbell, PhD, author of Getting Real: Ten Truth Skills to Live an Authentic Life

“Ending the epidemic of disappearing dads will do more good in the world than curing cancer. Absent fathers have been implicated in such social problems as violence, child abuse, suicides, teen pregnancy, and war. I’ve been waiting for this book for a long time, perhaps all my life. Read it now! And buy more to give to your friends and family.” —Jed Diamond, PhD, author of The Irritable Male Syndrome

“To an infant, failed or impaired bonding feels like abandonment. As this infant grows into a man, the deep, but often hidden feelings of this early imprint leaves him unprepared for the mature intimacy parenting demands.

When the flirtatious playmate gets pregnant, her attention turns to the baby, leaving dad feeling abandoned once again, so he often leaves. Why Dad’s Leave, explores why this happens and what couples can do to transform their intimacy, expanding it, rather than walking away.” —Michael Mendizza, co-author of Magical Parent—Magical Child (with Joseph Chilton Pearce)

“This is a must-read treatise on parenthood. The only problem I see is you have left very little for the rest of us to write!” —Patrick Houser, author of Fathers-to-Be Handbook

“Most songs are about getting your man. This book is about keeping your man—especially after a child comes along.” —Naomi Judd, Emmy Award–winning singer/songwriter

“This book has the potential to change history. It’s the first truly healing approach I’ve seen for a long-neglected wound in so many people’s lives. Callander and Travis not only show us what we need to know about why fathers disappear, but they also give us real how-to solutions.” —Gay Hendricks, PhD, author of Conscious Loving

“While childbirth had always been ‘women’s business,’ the doctrine of fathers participating in birth suddenly emerged around 1970. Theoreticians supporting the doctrine claimed that this radically new behavior should create strong links within couples and a deep-rooted attachment between father and child. According to them, the incidence of separations, divorces, and disappearing dads would have dramatically decreased. They were obviously wrong. We must be grateful to Meryn and John to suggest the right questions at the right time.” —Michel Odent, MD, author of Birth Reborn

“A desperately needed book that will make an enormous difference in people’s lives. Hurrah for someone finally taking this perspective.” —Robin Grille, author of Heart-to-Heart Parenting

“Provocative and powerful!” —David Isaacs, co-author of The World Café

“Addresses an issue that is epidemic in scale, largely unrecognized, and totally misunderstood. Childhood bonding, fatherly involvement and family cohesiveness are vitally important to the sustainability of this increasingly populated planet. Callander and Travis’ groundbreaking work helps unravel this Gordian knot by explaining with great clarity why so many committed prospective fathers abandon their wives and children because of unresolved emotional issues that parenting raises. The first step toward solutions is recognition of a problem. Why Dads Leave offers a blueprint for raising consciousness and practical steps to help man and their families addressing this challenging issue.” —Kent W. Peterson, MD, Past Executive Director, American College of Preventive Medicine; Past President, American College of Occupational and Environmental Medicine

In my forty years as a marriage and family therapist, working with over 2500 students writing their autobiographies, and in my keynote speaking around the world, my experience resonates with this work. Why Dads Leave offers hope and a possibility for sustaining healthy families. The pursuit of wellness begins with the conception of a child, lasts a lifetime, and thrives in a supportive community. My deep gratitude for this incredible groundbreaking work.” —Elaine Sullivan, Board of Directors, National Wellness Institute

Meryn and Jack have shared their journey from partnership to parenthood in order to illuminate us and make our futures better. They not only lived through this common challenge, but named it, investigated it, and learned from it. Now they have created literature that will forever change families who embrace this knowledge. Society can only benefit from their long, hard endeavor. A simple thanks is all I have, but certainly not enough for this gift.” —Barbara A. Hotelling, past president, Lamaze International and Doulas of North America (DONA).

Partial listing of additional endorsers:

• John Breeding, PhD, author of The Wildest Colts Make The Best Horses
• Richard Heinberg, author of The Party’s Over
• Martin Rossman, MD, author of The Worry Solution
• Marilyn Schlitz, PhD, President, Institute of Noetic Sciences (IONS)
• Michael and Justine Willis Toms, New Dimensions Radio/Media
• Patrick Williams, EdD, Founder, Institute for Life Coach Training
• Ralph Wolff, PhD, President, Western Association of Schools and Colleges

This book is a treasure. It’s a beautifully crafted, honest, and clearly articulated exploration about what happens when partners become parents and why so often dads disappear emotionally or physically in the early years after the birth of a child.

There is no judgment in the exploration—only a clear-minded and empathetic exploration of this pandemic that so seriously affects and undermines the very fabric of our culture.

As a life and wellness coach, I’ve been waiting for a book like this for many years. Yes, my coaching is effective in helping people move through their obstacles to achieve their objectives, but it’s so much easier when the client has a readable resource that gives him or her a realistic palette of possibilities, and also gives us a shared language. This book is just such a resource.

Once we see clearly, it’s impossible to not see. This book is a life changer. It so compassionately and factually parts the curtains that we can never completely put the curtains back again.

Bobbie Burdett, BCC, PCC (candidate), Director of Training for HealthWorld Online, and Life and Wellness Coach coachbobbie.com

The time has come to recognize that raising a child should not take a village. Even the village idiot probably knows that it does take two loving and nurturing parents to raise a healthy, well-adjusted child.

Today a majority of children do not have that essential! Forty-five percent are born to single mothers and a hearty additional percentage wind up with a single parent when the father divorces or just “leaves.” In no other mammalian species is the situation so bleak.

As Meryn emphasizes, it is the quality of fathering and not just the time that is crucial.

Although paternal post-partum depression may develop because of unfulfilled narcissism on the part of fathers who somehow feel abandoned or neglected, the root problem is even more serious. Rigid male machine behavior lies at the foundation for many males who abandon their natural responsibility. Parenting should always be a mutual responsibility.

From maternal preoccupation to male “self-focus”, healing childhood traumas, attachment traumas, and the most “secret” of all, male dependency on women, all the excuses in the world must lead ultimately to some serious personal insight if an insecure man is to avoid abandoning his wife and children. A really healthy, conscientious male will seek whatever therapy and self-regulation is necessary to save his marriage, the respect and love of his children and his own well-being. For children this mature father helps immensely in having the children handle stress well, develop healthy relationships themselves, and ultimately reach their full potential for a longer, healthy life.

Why Dads Leave: Insights & Resources for When Partners Become Parents should be required reading for all males, no later than age 16 and again at least before marriage. A great gift to all unmarried people.

C. Norman Shealy, M.D., Ph.D., American Holistic Association

As a pediatrician of over twenty years, I have found it crucial to understand the health needs of the whole family, not just the child. There are numerous books discussing the needs of children, an increasing number on the needs of the mother, but still way too few books which discuss the needs and experiences of fathers. This book, Why Dads Leave: Insights & Resources for When Partners Become Parents, will hopefully lead to many more books and physical support for fathers and couples. This book is painful to read at times because this is after all a story about the pain of young boys and men. But this story needs telling if we are to heal this ‘his-story’ of trauma and loss. As Callander states, many soon-to-be parents may not be able to “hear” this story until they find themselves experiencing it. But having this story told and understood by families as well as mental and medical health providers will none-the-less help all families. Thanks to Meryn and Jack’s persistence and bravery in sharing this story many families will hopefully be helped and healed.

Bettina Vaello, M.D.

“At last someone has come up with the courage to tackle one of the most insidious epidemics in American life. When men leave their families, society feels the destructive ripples for generations to come. Callander and Travis begin a dialogue and offer unique insights that must be heard. We have swept this one under the carpet too long.”
—Dean Edell, MD

“It’s time we faced the inconvenient truth that fathers are a crucial part of the parenting equation, as Callander so compellingly shows.”
—Larry Dossey, MD, author of The Power of Premonitions

“To say that this book could change human history is not an overstatement. In fact, were it heeded, it could change our species itself—and definitely for the better.”
—Joseph Chilton Pearce, author of Magical Child and Crack in the Cosmic Egg

“An amazing book on a truly important topic.”
—John Robbins, author of The Food Revolution

“A book few, if any of us men can afford to miss. I am one of those written about, so I know what my journey has cost me, as well as given to me, and what it has cost the family I left.
—Fred Alan Wolf, PhD, Taking the Quantum Leap and featured in “What the Bleep…”

For owners of the book, here are the complete Appendices that are summarized in the back of the book.

Appendix A: Why Men Leave (original magazine article)
Appendix B: Primal Sex
Appendix C: Synopsis of the Continuum Concept
Appendix D: The aTLC Proclamation and Blueprint

“At last someone has come up with the courage to tackle one of the most insidious epidemics in American life. When men leave their families, society feels the destructive ripples for generations to come. Callander and Travis begin a dialogue and offer unique insights that must be heard. We have swept this one under the carpet too long.”
—Dean Edell, MD

“It’s time we faced the inconvenient truth that fathers are a crucial part of the parenting equation, as Callander so compellingly shows.”
—Larry Dossey, MD, author of The Power of Premonitions

“To say that this book could change human history is not an overstatement. In fact, were it heeded, it could change our species itself—and definitely for the better.”
—Joseph Chilton Pearce, author of Magical Child and Crack in the Cosmic Egg

“An amazing book on a truly important topic.”
—John Robbins, author of The Food Revolution

“A book few, if any of us men can afford to miss. I am one of those written about, so I know what my journey has cost me, as well as given to me, and what it has cost the family I left.
—Fred Alan Wolf, PhD, Taking the Quantum Leap and featured in “What the Bleep…”

There is a great divide in that mountain range called parenting. Planning, conceiving and gestating the baby is like climbing up to a high mountain pass. Birth marks the couple’s passage through the pass into a different watershed—new uncharted territory that, despite the best of maps, holds many surprises, some of them quite shocking. And once you’re through the pass, there’s no going back.

Believing an ounce of prevention is worth 1.87 tons[1] of cure, this book is written primarily for those on the pre-child side of the divide, hoping to alert them to some of the more challenging parts of the terrain. However, the likelihood is that it’s mainly those who have already been through this rough territory that will really get the point of the book. Jack or I would probably not have picked up this book before our daughter Siena was born. We thought we knew what we were doing. Oh sure! It took us over five years to work out what happened to us, and then over a decade to refine it and set it in a larger social and cultural context. Now the question is how to reach those who can’t imagine it happening to them—even more so, those who are completely oblivious to “the great divide”?

It may often be the about-to-be grandparents who recognize the terrain, or friends of soon-to-parents who at least have an inkling of the challenges ahead, or counselors who see couples floundering through this divide—who urge the uninitiated to read it, hopefully before they plunge into the divide.

From whence came this book? Having since the seventies, pursued a passion to reclaim the original definitions of wellness to include the mental, emotional, social, spiritual, and planetary dimensions of wellbeing, Jack’s and my focus over the past two decades had been in the field of infant and child wellness. It is from this, and our own personal experiences in becoming parents, that we initially developed the hypothesis about why men leave, physically or emotional­ly, after the birth of a child.

Our premise and the supporting material in this book are drawn from our personal experience and observations, as well as that of friends and colleagues, and from written sources that touch on this dynamic, plus numerous leading voices in the fields of fathering, parenting, and couples’ communi­cation. The intention here is not to present the final word on this phenomenon, but to initiate an inquiry into the Dynamic of Disappearing Dads (DDD).[2]

1.  Ben Franklin had the right idea, but Jack thinks his ratio was seriously low. Ironically, the ratio of current spending on fixing problems vs. our spending on preventing problems is probably inversely proportional to this ratio.

2. This book focuses on our mammalian needs for physical and emotional connection. Minimal attention has been given to the significance of the spiritual/cosmic perspective, believing that once basic needs are met, individuals are better able to see the larger picture.

Jean Liedloff’s The Continuum Concept strongly influenced Meryn and Jack’s work. At the top of this list you will find one of the  first of over 50 parenting books synopsized by Meryn when she was producing her catalog,  The Wellspring Guide, in the late 90s. These  books remain classics in the field of parenting and childcare.

Meryn and Jack, along with eleven other founding board members, spent over 10,000 hours developing and documenting this missing “Instruction Manual for Birthing and the Caring for Kids,” which resides here on the Alliance for Transforming the Lives of Children’s website